


"I thought you were dead"

by MidnightCity



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, M/M, reference to the bookshop fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 09:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19390942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightCity/pseuds/MidnightCity
Summary: It had taken him a moment to register what in the world had shifted, what had made it feel so wrong: for millennia he had been able to feel Aziraphale’s presence on Earth. Crowley had taken it as a given, a constant that was part of being, but suddenly it had been missing … lost … gone …





	"I thought you were dead"

Crowley wasn’t paying attention as Aziraphale kept on talking about whatever book he had recently obsessed over. He was perfectly content to just hear him babble on as a background noise. After all he was a constant in his life and thus Crowley felt relief that he was by his side once more.

This particular thought caused a small ache in his heart. It started to manifest as a hallow feeling inside him, slowly starting to twist his guts. He had felt it days earlier, but then it had been more prominent and painful than now. It had taken him a moment to register what in the world had shifted, what had made it feel so wrong: for millennia he had been able to feel Aziraphale’s presence on Earth. Crowley had taken it as a given, a constant that was part of being, but suddenly it had been missing … lost … gone …

“Crowley?”

He had never realised how empty this damned planet and universe felt without Aziraphale.

Suddenly, he flinched feeling a hand on his shoulder. When he looked down, he relaxed once more, realising that it was just Aziraphale.

“What?” he snapped, slightly irritated that he had gotten lost in his thoughts and even more so, that Aziraphale had caught him unaware. 

“I asked if you are alright, Crowley.” Azirapahle repeated himself.

_Aziraphale where are you?!_ Crowley shook his head, trying to shove the memory into a dark corner where it belonged. He blinked rapidly and cleared his throat. As soon as he could, he got up from the sofa and paced the room. He needed to be occupied and not think about what had happened …

“Yeah, I am fine,” Crowley responded and started to babble. “Never been better. It’s all ticket-y boo … as you’d call it.” He tried to force a smile, hoping that taking the piss on Aziraphale’s vocabulary would convince him.

Then he looked at Aziraphale and he could see that this had been futile – there was doubt written all over his face.

“Crowley,” Aziraphale began, his voice sounded so soft that it clenched at his heart. He didn’t like it because it almost convinced him that he could trust Aziraphale with his hidden struggle and emotions … 

“You don’t look fine.”

… but he couldn’t do that. So he forced a laugh. “What do you mean?” Crowley stammered as he tried to come up with a convincing argument. He had never trusted anyone with his emotions, it went against his very nature. He surely couldn’t start now. “I’ve never been better, feel perfect.” He lied, considering if he could simply walk out of the bookshop and hide in his flat for eternity. The thought tugged at his heart because he would have to leave Aziraphale and he wasn’t willing to do that either. “What gives you that idea?”

“You’re crying.”

“What?” Crowley whispered in surprise. This statement stopped all movement as he tried to compute this fact. _This was not possible_. He hadn’t as much as shed a tear since centuries, probably not since The Fall. 

And yet, when he wiped his cheeks, he could feel the wetness on his fingertips. He rubbed them together, inspecting the fluid. Those were tears, he realised. He was crying. The realisation froze him in place, he couldn’t think, move, or run away. He simply could not believe that he had displayed such a foolish lack of self-control. Even less, what had caused it in the first place.

He tried to explain himself but it was a hopeless attempt. He only managed to stumble over single words and didn’t manage to build one correct sentence. Complete silence only fell when he felt Aziraphale take his hand between his own.

Crowley look at him, trying to form any words – but as he tried to think of anything, the storm inside his mind slowly cleared because Aziraphale functioned as a steady anchor that had been missing. He opened his mouth to speak but in the end, he only stared in confusion at the other man.

“It’s okay, Crowley,” Aziraphale told him.

And when Crowley finally dared to look him in the eyes, he only found kindness in there. Not the hatred or disgust he’d expect when displaying such weakness.

“Sometimes we just need to …” Aziraphale went on consoling him but Crowley only found himself wondering how he would even be able to live without him …

“I thought you were dead, Angel,” Crowley muttered.

Aziraphale fell into silence as soon as those words had been spoken. Crowley looked away as another sob threatened to escape him. His vision blurred, so he tried to take a deep breath to keep his composure.

“When the bookshop burned down,” Crowley began because he couldn’t bear the silence anymore. What was Aziraphale thinking? Did he pity Crowley for feeling these things … for even caring about him? Or did he hate him because he exposed all of those unspoken emotions between them? “I couldn’t find you … I couldn’t sense you anywhere in the whole world.”

As he spoke those words, the tears continued to roll down. He had never feared fire before but the thought that it had taken Aziraphale from him had filled him with rage and anger. Only now did he realise how desperate he had felt, and how empty the world would have been. No amount of alcohol could have erased that emptiness. 

Crowley flinched when he saw Aziraphale reaching for him. It took him a moment to realise that he had only meant to be gentle and kind but Aziraphale didn’t seem to take any offense. “How …?” he asked him, while placing his hand on Crowley’s shoulder instead.

“I could always tell where you are on Earth,” Crowley explained. Ever since meeting Aziraphale in Rome, he had learned to distinguish his essence among the hundred other souls surrounding them. At first it had been a conscious act that only worked on the same continent but over the centuries it had turned into a background noise that reassured Crowley that he was nearby. “I assumed you could too.”

Instead of responding verbally, Aziraphale gave Crowley’s hand a squeeze.

In the end, it didn’t matter because when Crowley had been on his knees during the fire …

“The world had felt so empty …” His voice was nothing more than a whisper. He knew that he wasn’t telling him the whole truth but he was also convinced that he wouldn’t be able to share it out loud as well.

This time when Aziraphale reached up to wipe the tears off his cheeks, Crowley let it happen. He didn’t even mean to and closed his eyes as he felt the warmth and softness of his palm against his cheek. This simple physical contact gave him more reassurance than he dared to admit. Aziraphale was right there. His Angel was right in front of him. So when he gently tilted Crowley’s head to look at him, he did not fight it.

Instead, he took a moment to take Aziraphale in: the small frown on his face, alongside the visible shimmer in his eyes and the tremble of his lips. Crowley wanted it to mean what his heart already knew was true that these were indications of understanding and even love.

Maybe Aziraphale also hated the thought of a world without Crowley in it, maybe he feared this feeling as well – even if he hadn’t lived through it. Maybe this meant that Crowley wasn’t alone.

Crowley took a deep breath and closed his eyes before saying, “It felt as if a part of me was missing …”Crowley could feel that Aziraphale was holding his breath now. “… as if someone had ripped it out. It was worse than Falling,” he added in a whisper.

Before he could stop himself, a scoff escaped him. “At least when I Fell, I hadn’t been alone when it had all gone to shit. What’s the point of saving the whole _blasted_ world when I’m alone again and don’t have you here!”

Crowley’s breath hitched when he felt Aziraphale wrap his arms around him. He wasn’t sure how to respond to this hug and remained rigid but Aziraphale was determined to seemingly never let him go again since he placed his hands on his back and held as tight as possible.

This caused a deep and painful wail to escape from Crowley, even though he wasn’t uncomfortable with the situation, instead he took great comfort in feeling Aziraphale holding him. It was as if he was putting him back together and making him complete once more. He was unable to verify where these strong emotions came from because the longer Aziraphale held him the pain and distress slowly faded into nothing and was replaced by something new.

Crowley slowly, and maybe a bit awkwardly, wrapped his arms around Aziraphale’s shoulders. At first he feared that he might pull back after all but Aziraphale held onto Crowley as much as the other man did – each taking comfort in the mutual embrace. 

After a moment, Aziraphale pressed his face into the nape of Crowley’s neck and took a deep breath. Crowley could feel the warmth and love through these touches. In response he rested against his shoulder, embarrassingly aware that his tears would dry in, and possibly stain, Aziraphale’s favourite jacket. At the same time, he knew that this did not matter in this moment.

They remained like this for a long time, and time seemed to have stopped around them, until Aziraphale whispered, “I love you too.”

Crowley was not shocked to hear those words spoken out loud. He knew that it was true, and it had become a universal truth to both of them a long time ago. The only difference was that they were able and allowed to put this unfathomable devotion into words now.

When they pulled back only so much that they could look at each other, Crowley couldn’t help but notice the trail Aziraphale’s tears had left behind. He could feel the slight tremble of his body when he gently cupped his cheek and wiped it away with his thumb. Maybe Aziraphale was also daunted by laying the truth out, leaving them both naked and vulnerable.

In that moment, Crowley knew that he had chosen the right place to rest his heart. Was there a better one than with a clever, stupid, gentle, strong and kind bastard of an angel? He knew that there wasn’t. All he could hope for, was that he could treat Aziraphale’s heart with the same affection and kindness that he handled his own.

So when Crowley ever so slightly leaned closer to Aziraphale, it had not taken much for Aziraphale to close the gap until their lips met in a gentle kiss. They held onto each other, letting the moment last because for the first time since a long time, the universe seemed complete again.


End file.
